Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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