new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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