____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
