You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
