I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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