Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
