Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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