I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
