Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
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her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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