Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
We had to coat check the pizza.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
