Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
