Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
