Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I look better un-naked...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
