I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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