The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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