oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
