did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
