We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
