If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
