Can i not drive my cunt home
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
