I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
