you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
