do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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