What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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