how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
