Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
