I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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