I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
