she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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