her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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