Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
