I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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