ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
