I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
