I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
