Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
