I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
