eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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