speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
