Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
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I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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