i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
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The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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