I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Randomize
