you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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