I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
this hospital has no fireball
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
