i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
