just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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