yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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