the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
