I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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