Pants 0. Shit 1.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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