somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
