I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
