remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
